


A Piece of my Body

by Adaney



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other, POV Original Female Character, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 07:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20991182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adaney/pseuds/Adaney
Summary: Created: Jul 15, 2018I wrote this for a friend of mine.





	A Piece of my Body

**Author's Note:**

> Created: Jul 15, 2018
> 
> I wrote this for a friend of mine.

Inezra was:   
  
A) Pretty much exclusively attracted to trolls who had what she considered to be feminine qualities

B) Aware that her interests in partners shifted just about as much as everything else about her did, which was a  _ lot _

On the upside, while Dialus had very few of these (“these” being feminine qualities), Inezra liked her anyway.

She obviously should have said it aloud at some point. 

* * *

“I loved you.”  _ Every part of you _ Inezra thought, but didn’t say. It isn't what Dialus wanted to hear after so thoroughly changing themself. “But I would be lying if I said I wasn't almost solely interested in trolls with ‘feminine’ qualities.”

The crinkling at the edges of Dialus’ eyes, the way their expression shifted so subtly, is the only indication that her words hold any weight with them at all. 

“Had you told me how you felt I wouldn't have divorced myself of my feelings for you or  _ you _ .” But it's too late for that, because it must have been that way if Dialus had been pandering—rather, trying to pander—to her honest sensibilities while she was ignorant. This was what happened when communication broke down.

“I want to understand what you thought back then.” Back when they were together. When they meant something to each other. It was impossible to pretend that either of them were anything but incompatible now, but at least they were on speaking terms, even if every topic of conversation between the two of them was raw. Inezra fairly sure it was karmic retribution that they ended up like this.

"I really didn't think anything of it.” There are the words she’s been waiting to hear. “I knew what made you happy. I didn't speak about it but not because I wanted to hide it. It just... never came up."

"Even if it didn't come up, weren't you bothered by it?" She pushing too much too fast for this to be an enjoyable conversation, but she wanted to know. “You said you knew what made me happy." She paused then, staring them down across the chasm of a coffee table stained with rings. 

"No.” There's a self-assuredness evident in the square of Dialus’ shoulders and the edge of their jaw. “Being in the middle has its advantages and disadvantages. It makes me feel almost duplicitous.”

"You weren't anything I'd liked before, you weren't even comparable to the trolls I'd been with for so many different reasons, and I wish you had told me. You could have brought it up so why didn't you?"

"Does it really matter that much?" 

"It mattered to me."

"You were the one who said we were going to end up here in the beginning." I was. I made sure to take a breath before I responded.

"I've said a lot of things and sometimes I am, unfortunately, right. I warned you. That didn't mean the things we went through were pointless experiences."

“I know, but it still ended. Congratulations on your very extended 'I told you so’.”

"You think that whole relationship was a fucking 'I told you so'? It's not a simple as that. We always end up right back on this childish bullshit because I had the mind to try and warm you out of being with me."

"No, I’m saying that you leaving and then coming back several months later now wanting to talk about it is your I told you so. The relationship was a good shot.

"You could have left and let it be over and done with. Things were going fine. I had met someone nice. But no, you show up wanting to talk about it even though I had been trying to move on.

"Cut open the stitches while the wound heals and the wound will reopen. That's all."

"You know I'm not the type to sit around with my thumb in my ass. I know you're not as blind as you pretend to be either. We weren't going anywhere fast. If you were smart you never would've pushed, and if I had had a spine I never would've given in.   
  
"What part of our relationship was good? The parts where we weren't screaming at each other? Where we pretending to be two functioning people living under the same roof?"

"So then it was all fake to you? Every minute we were happy? Why did you want to fight so badly?"

"Every night I would wake up to you and wonder when I was going to go back to my own hell because you couldn't be real. I fought you because I thought I was going to lose you when you did something too stupid to come back from it.   
  
"It wasn't fake but it sure as hell didn't feel real."

"I don't know what to tell you—I can't convince you of anything at this point—You want to fight,  _ now _ , because you didn't want to lose me then, but you’d already left. Inezra this isn't how things work."

"Then what’s your goal here? To sit and try and talk out all of our former relationship problems? To come to the big 'This was the breaking point' conclusion? I want to know why you came back and what you want from me."

"If you mean why I came back at the end of our relationship, you're going to have to be that specific. If you mean right now, me sitting across from you like I want to rip your throat out, I can tell you that too if you ask me like you really want to know the answer.

"I don't think you ever realized that most people don't go into their conversations with a goal. I came here to talk. I didn't come here to think about all the ways this conversation wasn't going the way I envisioned it."

"I'm trying so fucking hard, to just figure out what you are wanting out of this conversation and out of me in this conversation. Why did you come back just to sit down at this table and have this conversation. Why did you just not stay where you were or continue your life? I want to know why you thought this conversation was needed so maybe I can give you whatever closure is needed or whatever. Or perhaps you just want to sit and maybe chat with me about fucking sports or something."

"I didn't come here because I wanted something from you. I came here because I could. I thought, for all of five minutes, that we might be able to have a decent conversation about something that wasn't ourselves sweeps ago without me relapsing into some vindictive bitch. I just underestimated how much you're capable of irritating me even now. We're both too fucking obtuse for this."

"It seems we are. It's nice that you're finally being straight forward. Now I can actually give a decent response. Good job."

"Since we're doing this, ask me a question. Whatever question you want, no holds barred."

Dialus is still while they formulate their question, fingers slaying over their thigh. You watch the ripples it causes in the fabric of their pants. "Why did never let me bandage your fingers up after you cut them when you played guitar?" They look almost melancholy, but you’ve been off before. Their face isn’t something you’re confident in your ability to read.

"I know I told you it was because the calluses would make playing easier, but surprise, I'm a fucking liar. You'd already helped me with everything else to the best of your ability. Letting you in that much? It terrified the shit out of me. It was different from when you bandaged my hands after fights. I was still so scared of any kind of intimacy."

* * *

Inezra leaning against the tiled counter, fingers beneath a faucet running cold water, Dia situated comfortably at her right elbow.

She can almost convince herself this is another thing that didn't happen.

* * *

Dialus nods. It’s slow, and with a finality signifying their acknowledgement of your answer. You read it as dissatisfaction. "Your turn."  
  


* * *

They remember a time when they knew that that beneath Inezra’s shirt, on the arch of her back, are marks they’d left.  
  


* * *

"You should probably be in charge of this Q and A because I don't know what to ask." You’re pushing responsibility on them again, but they don’t recoil. They breathe and let out a sigh.  
  


* * *

Anything that she'd thought about? Been angry about before? Wanted answers for? Every thought in her head disappears at the nearest convenient opportunity.

Dia always had been the one with the answers.

* * *

"Where did you go? When you left that is. I searched for you on Alternia, but you weren't on planet anymore. Where did you go?"

"Home—the closest thing I had to home outside of you—Conya-Marvyn, where I was hatched. I wasn't homeworld bred. I didn't do much of anything while I was there." She shook her head. It wasn't like she'd had anyone to connect with while she'd been there. That was the reason she left in the first place.

"I see." Dialus stalled for time. "Are you hungry?"

"Are you? I haven't had much of an appetite lately." She'd almost dipped back into her old habits, making light of the things that bothered her. She'd almost said,  _ "I haven't had much of an appetite since I left you." _

"I haven't eaten in a few days. We should eat." It wasn't exactly a lie. The brownblood had coffee for the past three days and to her that counted as a meal. But this gave her the time she needed. "Anything particular that you want or don't want?"

Inezra allowed herself the ghost of a smile. "Do you still have people reminding you to eat proper food? I appreciate the hospitality but I don't think I could stomach anything."

"No." The answer is short but lacks sweetness. Seems she won't have a chance to give herself a few more minutes of time. "Alright. I'll wait then." She knew she wouldn't be hungry later.

"You shouldn't wait just because I'm threatening to vomit all over your floor."

"If you're giving yourself that much anxiety. You should take a few minutes."

"If I gave myself anxiety I would have figured out a way to turn it off by now. I'll humor you at least."

"I'm sure you would have. Do you want a cigarette?" Dialus asked while doing, placing a cigarette between their lips.

“You know I don't—” Inezra stopped. She closed her eyes and sighed before opening them again. “I stopped smoking. I'll deal with the secondhand cancer if it means continuing this conversation.”

"It was just an offer.” Inezra is imagining the sneer accompanying that sentence. “C'mon. We can talk on the balcony then." They rose with a tilt of their head motioned to the too high up balcony. Maybe a change of scenery would do both of them good.

Inezra followed them out. She took up a position in the corner, her back facing the outside world and her eyes on Dia. She watched them light up a cigarette but didn't say anything until after the first drag. She would have looked relaxed with her arms resting on the rails if she hadn't been so obviously focused on keeping her limited attention on Dia.   
  
"When you think of another question, ask."

There weren’t any bugs up here that would make Dialus bother to keep the screen door shut, so they didn’t. They just lit their cigarette and looked out at the world. "Feels a bit one sided to do all the asking you know."

"I'm aware. I also tend to ask the wrong kinds of questions. When did you know you were like this? Willing to get surgery to correct yourself along with it?"

"I knew it long before I met you. I don't see the surgery as correction. I wasn't wrong before."

"Think of it as being more exact then, instead of correct. I don't have the words for this shit and neither do I have a frame of reference other than people I halfway talk to. I only know of a single person that isn't you who might be even remotely similar, but they're awful."

* * *

Biuret was a lot of things. Awful, yes. Awful, but exceedingly intelligent, and entirely unwilling to talk specifics about their gender.

Inezra was beginning to think they didn't have one, which she guessed was the point.

* * *

  
  


"Ah, I dunno. Sometimes you wake up and just kinda go... hm... this isn't wrong? But it's not right either? What happens if I change it? And so you change it and live with the changes."

"If that's what you think." Inezra shrugged. "We can't all be gifted with a lineage that's sharp teeth without the snaggletooth."

Dialus merely shrugged.

"Why did you want to be with me? If you can even remember."

"I think it was because I admired you. You were… strong, and proud, and seemed to know what you wanted. I wanted to know what I wanted too. So I decided to want you."

"I was more arrogant than proud, and honestly surprised you were even willing to put up with me long enough to like me."

"I guess I just couldn't tell the difference at the time. But even if you frustrated me, I had chosen to be with you and I wanted to stick with that decision. I was planning on being in for it until the end."

"Ask me something else, Bolrik."

"Alright. Were you ever scared we were going be together till I died?"

“Wrong phrasing.” She snorted. “I wasn't afraid that we'd last that long. I was afraid of what would happen when you were gone. You know my head is fucked up. You dying between now and when we met would eventually feel like only so many nights if I lived long enough to see my thoughts and memories collapse like that.”

"Yeah. I guess so. I wondered about it from time to time. We... lowbloods... die easily and often. So I imagine that when you agreed to this, it was sort of a leap for you."

Inezra shook her head. "You've got the ability to live as long as anyone else. It's your lot in life that kills you early. Being in a relationship with a lowblood wasn't any different to me than my other relationships. It just brought more things to consider. I'm not trying to say I was egalitarian but I was at least fucking conscious of the things going on around me."

They shake their head, the corners of their mouth upturned in a smile that’s too close to mocking for your comfort. They breathe out and in, blowing smoke over a world that continues to move while they stagnate on a balcony talking about things that had already happened. “I can't image I’m lengthening my life at all right now."

"Obviously, because you're doing your utmost to make sure your lungs liquefy into soup."

* * *

She remembered when she’d stop smoking for Dialus, when the stains on her fingers finally washed away and she’d rid herself of the urge to succumb to sickening cancer at the slightest hint that her anxiety was creeping back.

She almost screamed when Dialus picked up right where she’d left off.

* * *

"I wish it would fucking hurry up already."

"What's something you always wanted to ask but never thought you'd get the opportunity to do so?"

"I don’t know. In my head then we would always be together so I always thought I'd have a chance to ask."

"Alright then. What's something you stopped yourself from asking?"

"Do I scare you?"

"Emotionally or physically?"

"Both."

"Physically, you didn't scare me. You put me at ease, sure, and I let you in closer than anyone else, but it was too uncomfortable to be real fear. Emotionally," Inezra let out a laugh. "Yeah, you scared me. I didn't know what I was going to do if someone hurt you. I'd never been so wrapped up in anyone before."

"I always wondered about the eating people thing."

"What about it?"

"How much that bothered you and why."

"It bothered me a lot, but I realized you weren't willing to stop. It's not exactly normal for Alternia, but it definitely wasn't acceptable for Conya-Marvyn."

"I know. I started to try and slow down while with you. Or at least hide it better."

"Why worry about that now?”

"I don't. I was just wanting to know." They say it too quickly for it not to be defensive, but Inezra swallowed the comment that would have so quickly rolled off her tongue.

"How long did it take you to figure out I wasn't from Alternia?"

"Not very long. Less than a quarter of a sweep. Certain things you said were... off by Alternian standards."

"I can only imagine."

"It was strange. It sounds so different from how we live here."

"It is. Living here as long as I have now makes me want to go back, but there's nothing for me."

* * *

She remembered being jostled in crowds before she’d grown tall.

This was before her shoulders had filled out, before her horns had grown to curl and snag on small inconveniences.

If she slowed down she could remember what it was like to not have eyes on her.

* * *

"Sounds much less violent to be there. Honestly, that makes it more scary to live there to me."

"The lack of homicidal rages terrifies you?"

"No. The lack of people meaning what they say and doing what they mean. With our violence people are straightforward with their aggression and anger. When you can't do that openly you have to go around and do things the long way to where it's hidden and no one knows it's you. "

"You’re so fucking obtuse—” but she stops herself, and begins to engage like she has two brain cells to rub together, the same way she deals with Biuret when they  _ think _ they know something. “You say that as if there’s more honesty in being able to murder without pretense.”

"At least here people tell you that that they’re going to murder you. You know to look over your shoulder instead of living in some happy horrible cloud."

Inezra sighed. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry for being rude, but you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You’ve never been off-world, you don’t know jack about the culture of any place that isn’t this kicked over bucket of slurry, but I’ll let you maintain your backwards opinion.”

"You never did before." Of  _ course  _ they fixated on that. 

"Apologize? Not with so many words, no."

They’re silent again, because apparently they like to let things stew over the stench of cigarette smoke.

"Do you feel like I never really apologized to you?" It was a guess more than anything. Inezra had apologized a number of times for so many different things that they blurred together into a mess in her head. It was possible that she hadn’t said it aloud when it counted most.

“Yes and no, but that was my fault too.”

"Blaming yourself for shit we did to ourselves isn't healthy."

"I'm not blaming myself. I’m just acknowledging that some of it is my fault."

"Some of what, Bolrik? I want to know what made you feel like I never said sorry to you. Fuck knows what the hell I missed in all of our drama."

"It was just some of the sharp things you said, the things that we both know are true but it hurt the way you said them, and  _ you _ said them in a way you knew would hurt. That's all."

And that’s all.


End file.
